Married vs. Single
The central theme of this blog is male sexuality, men who are attracted to men. This particular discussion concerns bisexuality, which ranges from curiosity to a near obsession for an intimate experience with another man. For a single guy, bisexuality can be nature’s gift, aside from all he has to contend with concerning society’s established moral codes, religious dogmas and political agendas. Though he usually feels it best to be secretive, he shares intimacy with another man without feeling guilty about lying to a wife or a girlfriend. Conversely, the married bisexual man, and his wife, have real dilemma.
Effect on the Wife
Many husbands, when they tell their wives or she finds out some other way, feel like the focus is all about them: their feelings, their emotions, their needs, their right to be who they are without consequence. But, when he decides to make his confession, it’s not all about him. He’s not the one whose life has changed, other than the fact he suddenly has a wife most likely in turmoil. He dropped the bombshell. It’s her life that has changed; in fact she feels her life has been turned upside down; not to mention she has to deal with this revelation with a woman’s emotions, which are most often overwhelmingly complex and heart-rending.
First the shock: She’s been married to a man these many years and never knew who he was. She feels betrayed. He’s kept secrets from me all this time. He should have told me before we got married. She feels threatened: He’s not attracted to me. He will leave me for a man. She’s flooded with doubts: What’s he really doing when he works late two nights a week? Has he been sleeping with a man? She’s wary of what other people will think, how it will affect them, will they be able to keep their friends. If he’s been intimate with a man, she fears he may have exposed himself to STDs, and therefore has also exposed her. All of a sudden, nothing about her life is the same. The future is uncertain.
The husband should know this is a critical time if he cares about the future of his marriage. It’s important to focus entirely on her, to be sensitive to her emotions, to listen and allow her to get past the initial shock. (And trust me, no matter how well you know your wife, her perspective may be unpredictable.) What she needs more than anything is reassurance. This news was unexpected and will hit her hard; she doesn’t know what to expect next. She’s likely to think you are warming up to tell her that you’re leaving her for a man. Set your own emotions aside and assure her of your love and devotion, and that you want nothing more than to see your marriage endure. She needs time to settle into the fact her husband is bisexual.
YOU’RE A MARRIED BISEXUAL MAN & YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE. (check 1 or 2, then one more)
- My wife knows I’m bisexual.
- My wife does NOT know I’m bisexual.
- I would never be intimate with another man. That’s infidelity.
- I’m monogamous. Had plenty of adventures with men before I got married.
- I’m monogamous, but if the right man came along, I would give in.
- I am secretly intimate with other men from time to time.
- I have a regular boyfriend. My wife knows.
- I have a regular boyfriend. My wife doesn’t know.
- My wife allows me to have sex with men.
- My wife participates when I have sex with men.
No Two Wives are the Same
Yet, if the marriage is fundamentally sound, she will cling to her love and almost immediately begin the struggle to adapt to her new circumstances, though her husband typically sees nothing but confusion and anger. But, since women come from many different backgrounds with different perspectives, there are exceptions. Some women will have a far more positive point of view. Her husband’s bisexuality may even endear her more; his sexuality becomes something to share, even something to participate in.
As an author who has written a novel about bisexual husbands and the way it affects their wives, I receive e-mails form women who are dealing with this dilemma. Without condoning or reviling the wife who shares her husband’s bisexual experiences, I would like to explore her position. Call her liberal, or open-minded, or un-Christian; I don’t think we can realistically call her misguided.
She has identified a unique characteristic in her marriage as something positive, for her as well as her husband, something that can privately enhance their sex life in an unconventional way. She’s sharing everything with her husband, not simply accepting who he is. She’s not wondering what he’s up to because she’s there with him. Though intimacy alone with her husband remains rewarding and binding, she has the ability to equate sex, under certain circumstances, to receiving or giving a massage. After all, based on how the human body and mind responds to sex, it is part of our nature and our natural curiosity, and doesn’t necessarily have to be constrained because of a marriage … as long as it’s shared.
All of the psychological ramifications are in order and understood. There may be another man involved, perhaps the husband’s long term friend, or there may be another couple. Parameters are discussed and agreed on. Rendezvous are arranged. Man and wife share their bodies and their natural desires with another man or another couple.
However, the majority of women are guided by the mores of their upbringing or their religious convictions. They will never condone or participate in anything sexual outside of their marriage. More than a few have had his bags packed and sitting on the curb by the time he gets home from work the next day. (I believe, if the wife takes this position, there was almost always a fundamental flaw in her marriage, and that it was probably doomed with or without his bisexuality.)
YOU ARE A WOMAN MARRIED TO A BISEXUAL MAN. (check 0ne)
- I would divorce him.
- I’m trying to understand. It’s not easy.
- It doesn’t bother me as long as he is faithful.
- I have my suspicions about what he doing when he goes out, but I don’t expect him to be truthful.
- He was born that way. I allow him to experiment as long as he is careful.
- It doesn’t bother me if he plays around as long as it is not another woman.
- I don’t mind if he has a boyfriend.
- He has a boyfriend that I know and trust.
- We’re both bisexual and give each other space.
- I participate in his sexual flings.
- We’re swingers, anything goes.
Understanding Male Bisexuality
The difference from one man to the next is as broad as there are men in this world. Their needs and desires vary. The degree of their attraction varies. The kinds of physical intimacy they desire varies. More specifically, some men want only the briefest encounter with another male, while others would like to have a full-blown, long term emotional and physical relationship that can be described as love. The Kinsey Scale, decried by a few sexologists as too simplistic, is what I believe to be a good way to understand a husband’s sexuality. There are seven defined levels, within which, by most estimations, relatively few men are either exclusively heterosexual or homosexual. I personally have defined myself at around level two.
0 Exclusively heterosexual
1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual; bisexual.
4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6 Exclusively homosexual
It’s helpful if a wife knows where her husband is at on the scale. In order to accomplish this, in order for him to feel free to talk openly and honestly, he must feel comfortable talking with his wife on this subject. If she goes into a rant, or gets depressed, or uses his words against him in the next day’s debate, he will either keep silent or attempt to tell her what she wants to hear.
The Road to Resolution
Beyond the initial stages of surprise, anger, frustration, doubt and contempt; beyond her undeniable right to express all of these emotions: beyond punching him on the jaw, the wife must eventually challenge herself to be neutral and understanding. Of course, she must allot time to her own emotions, and she has a perfect right to ask questions and express her feelings, but if she continues to be confrontational or accusatory, the result will most likely be a stalemate. She should allot time to listen, to try to place herself in his shoes, to open her mind to nature’s way of doing things. He did not choose to be bisexual, nor want all the consequences.
To him, his desire for a man is natural, something he was born with, something, otherwise, that is beautiful. Given a different social environment, he believes all men would have an intimate buddy, a relationship that society at large and his wife and family would not only accept, but celebrate. Consider the era before birth control, when the wives were tired of having babies, which prompted many of the straight husbands to take long hikes together in the woods. Though we’re not talking about sex denied by a man’s wife, for a bisexual male it comes natural. Basically, he would like to share this aspect of his persona with his wife, if in no other way than to be able to talk to her openly and have her understanding. He really is the same man she married–she just knows something about him that she didn’t know before. Odds are, the characteristics that make him bisexual are related to other characteristics she loves in him.
So why didn’t he say something before we got married? Because he loved you madly. He feared you wouldn’t marry him if you knew. He didn’t understand human nature as well as he could have, and believed this part of him would wither away. He might not have even thought about it, considering all he could think about was you.
Then why bring it up after we’ve been married twenty years? Even if the wife knew early on, the issue often fades away, then resurfaces years later. When we’re young and falling in love, nothing else matters; there’s no room in our minds to think about much else. Then we have to start our careers, which can consume a big portion of our energy. Then the kids come along and a whole new set of priorities develop. We’re simply to preoccupied with life’s other factors to dwell on what might be missing in our lives, all the while the phantom is breathing, waiting, eventually becoming restless. The kids are grown and no longer dependent. The careers have been established and are no longer as consuming as they once were. The man is comfortable in his marriages and has no real notion that that can ever change. All of a sudden our lives are redefined.
Odd as it may seem, most men believe their bisexuality is totally compatible with their marriage. He loves his wife no less than before she knew. He has no desire to leave his marriage and certainly doesn’t want to lose the one he loves; unless he is 100% gay and compelled to move on to a gay lifestyle, which will probably come as no real surprise to his wife. Then again, given the nourishing benefits of a woman’s love, even some completely gay men do not want to leave their marriage. So he’s the same guy the wife has loved all this time, she just knows him better. The more difficult point-of-contention is whether or not he’s been involved in a physical relationship with another man.
If he has, this is a different subject. This is more than him revealing his true sexuality, this is a sad form of deceit. The wife has to decide to either lump his transgression into the overall picture, or deal with it as a separate issue, one of lying and simple infidelity. It complicates the issue and makes the challenges harder to overcome. Will I ever be able to trust him again?
The fact remains he’s bisexual. It can’t be cured and his sexuality will never change. Before the marriage can begin to move on, the wife must eventually stake out her position and establish the parameters of her tolerance. What will she accept and what will she not? Will she allow her husband to keep his close friend (even if it’s nonsexual)? Can he still go out with the boys? Can he join a male social group (even if it’s a bunch of guys who get naked together in the hot tub)? Will he be allowed to have a boyfriend (maybe, but she doen’t want to hear anything about it)? Will she decide to jump in and share his left-field sexual experiences? Will she want anyone else outside the marriage to know about his bisexuality?
These questions must be decided, and agreed upon by the husband in order for the marriage to move forward. A single issue undecided, a single question mark, will only make the road ahead longer. Longer but not impassable. Marriages free of serious defects, free of personality clashes and separate agendas, have a remarkable resilience; they are a wonderful and fertile garden in which love can flourish. A husband’s bisexuality is a life-changing matter that rewrites the rules, but it can rewrite them in a mutually acceptable way. There’s every reason to believe, past the initial stages of anger and anxiety, the marriage can grow stronger.
There Are Many of Us in the Same Boat.
This issue touches my heart. I believe it affects far more marriages than any of us will ever know, including the husbands who have remained silent. I believe, inherent in most men, is a natural affinity for other men, whether it’s a desire to be physically close in the field of athletics, or a desire for the bonding and camaraderie of a poker game, or a desire for some level of physical intimacy. These things are related.
In my novel, Five Married Men, though it’s written to entertain and contains the dramas of a storyline, it is essentially about the emotional aspects suffered by bisexual husbands and the wives of these men. Fictional, yes, but people read it for a better understanding of themselves or their spouse’s perspective. For those who can’t have a bisexually book lying around the house, I have published the complete edition on my website atwww.martinbrant.com If you prefer the feel of a book in your hands, it’s available at Amazon.com in paperback and on Kindle. There are direct links on the front page of my website.
Please feel free to comment. You’re experiences or your perspective will benefit those who are reaching out and trying to understand.
Martine, I sincerely hope you are not serious. I hope what you are doing is reaching out. As bad as things seem right now, things will get better in time. Please talk to a friend or a counselor and stop trying to deal with these emotions by yourself.
I mentioned in my reply to another poster that this article has left me frustrated by its concentration on females who discover that their man is bisexual, because I am a gay man who discovered this about a man that I had cared deeply for. He was my boyfriend, and we were supposedly in this monogamous, faithful, amazing, cosmic relationship that might one day lead to marriage if it ever became successfully legal in our state (same sex marriage, that is).
Then I found out he was sleeping around behind my back with several extremely promiscuous women. This was hard for me to deal with, because of his lies and his deceit. And it wasn’t just me that he lied to, he lied to these females about being allergic to latex so that he could have sex with them without wearing a condom and many of them fell for it and still had sex with him anyway. Some of them knew about me and knew that I didn’t know and they didn’t care at all, they still slept with him knowing that he was supposed to be committed to me, and one woman in particular was especially pleased with herself and when she found out that I knew and it was no longer a secret, she delighted in taunting me with the fact that he was in her bed so often, bought her all kinds of things and showered his money on her, and she did this to me any chance she got. I tried to make those chances few and far between, but for some god awful reason we kept running into each other at parties and other functions and even once at the flipping grocery store. It became very clear that her goal was to take him from me and make him totally hers. What she didn’t understand is that he isn’t willing to live without what men have to offer any more than he apparently can live without what women have to offer. But as far as I am concerned, she can give it a go with him if she wants, because I had it with him and asked him to get out of my life for good. I loved him deeply, but I am not a door mat either.
I am not someone who is comfortable with open relationships. Perhaps at some point I might have been, but this experience was brutally painful for me and I will never ever willingly put myself in this situation now.
I am trying not to develop a prejudiced attitude towards bisexual men in general, I know that not all of them are like my ex was, and some of them actually do want monogamy as much as I do. But its difficult for me to shake the memory of the pain of what he did to me, his attitude about it, his excuses and the cruel way he could sometimes behave towards me in favor of these vicious females that he hooked up with. This and the fact that he would make love to me without disclosing to me that he was having unprotected sex with all these women. Thank GOD I insisted on protection. Who knows what I could have wound up with.
Bryan, I totally sympathize with you. He was obviously not the right guy for a thoughtful, sensitive man. Had he been strictly gay, he would have cheated with other men. Plus, if the girl taunted you that way, it shows the kind of women your ex was involved with and reflects on his lack of judgment. Maybe she is what he deserves.
Please don’t be angry with bisexual men in general. I don’t doubt for a minute there are many that would welcome and be true to a monogamous relationship with another man. Their bisexuality doesn’t make them dishonest, it simply allows them to fall in love with either a man or a woman.
I have been attracted to men for some time now. I am happily married and have been for over 20 years. My wife and I watch porn movies sometimes when we have sex, some are decidedly gay. She knows it excites me and I have even mentioned having another man in bed with us. She seems to pass it all off. I have noticed she gets excited watching g/g sex on video but professes to have no interest in women. I doubt she would ever be receptive to me opening up although I would love to and I dreamthat she too would be bi-sexual. My gay friend advised me not to open up to her but I am at a loss. I have been with other men and like it. I feel frustrated and frozen as to what to do. I hate to be secretive but feel I must. I suspect I am not alone. I’ve read your commentaries but am scared to death to open up.
Hugh, this is a tough situation for many married men. Since your wife enjoys gay porn, you may have one step going in the right direction. But entertainment and learning she has a bisexual husband are two different things. No one knows your wife as well as you do, so only you can decided whether to open that door or not. But once it’s open, it can never be closed again. You’ll have to put her emotions ahead of yours for a long time. You’ll have to assure her that nothing will ever be as important to you as your love for her. Only then will you be able to explore her parameters. Then, once her position is stated, if it is not what you wanted to hear, you’ll have to decide all over again how to proceed with your bisexuality.
A lot of guys are with you, my friend . . .
My husband only disclosed to me 4 days ago that he has been unfaithful to me. We are both bi. Only I have not cheated on him. When he first disclosed this to me, I was devastated. We love each other madly and are so compatible that it feels like we are the same person. Fortunately, I looked for support groups very quickly and discovered that there are so many different forms of loving marriages that include sex in a rainbow of colors, do not lose hope. Check to see if there are flaws in the marriage itself, before disclosure. If there are, fix them, strengthen your marriage and make love to her before disclosure and learn as much about mixed orientation marriages beforehand.
My wife and I watch porn and I describe how I will lick the guy’s cock and balls while he fucks her. It makes her so hot, we haven’t brought another man into our bed, but we always talk about while we watch porn. I wouldn’t mind making the fantasy reality and finally having another man’s cock in my mouth. I get so horny while looking at other men’s shafts, such a turn-on, but I love a women’s body, nothing like it.
My wife and I do not have sex at all any more, life changes…
I am very curious about sucking off a guy but have no idea where to meet someone who isn’t out “doing” everyone else lol…. oh well
Very interesting article.
I’m a bi-sexual married man and I take on board what has been said here about HIV/AIDS etc.
It’s extremely unfortunate that one or two bi-sexual men haven’t taken the care they should have in their m2m relationships. However, I have to suggest that these guys are few and far between. Most bi-sexual men I’ve known are only ‘out’ to themselves and very careful that not only should their secret not be discovered by family and friends, but also very, very careful that their m2m relations stay clean.
For myself. I have no option but to remain in the closet. Over time I’ve learned to live with myself and my deceitfulness in order to live with others. The m2m relationships I’ve had have served me well in the relationship I have with my wife.
I am a tender, erotic lover with her, always ensuring she’s satisfied when we have sex. She tells me often, that I never fail to hit the [G] spot and our relationship continues to be kind and loving. And all this despite the fact that I enjoy the occassional tryst with another man.
It can be done, provided an individual first acknowledges to himself who and what he is. Then he will be mentally better equipped to deal with both sides of his
Oscar Wilde said: “A men must live that which is within him, otherwise his life will be a lie.”
Many thanks for your excellent site,
Carpe diem (for tomorrow it will be gone).
I think all sexual relationships should be clean, not just m2m. Some women carry diseases too, you know. And its not always women that are shocked to find out that there husbands or boyfriends are bisexual. Some gay men wind up learning this as well. Its not roses and cupcakes for them either. This article has left me frustrated because of its consentration on females who discover their man is bisexual. I had a boyfriend once who I discovered was doing women on the side behind my back, and I am so dang lucky I didn’t catch anything. I always insisted on protection. And glad I am, because I found out he lied through his teeth to females and told them he was allergic to latex.
I have been surprised over many years to discover how many apparently successful marriages there are when the wife knew the man was gay even before they were married. Three such couples I know have actually had children – though in each case they decided to keep the husband’s sexuality a secret, which is no joke when the children are adult. In each case the wife seems to be perfectly happy about her husband’s independent sexual life, even arranging to leave him alone in the house on evenings when he wants to have his men friends around. All three men are senior episcopalian priests (indeed, one is a bishop), which tells its own story! As far as I can tell, the wives enjoy the security of having a husband and now find it a relief that they’re not the ones who have to cater to the sexual urges of middle aged men no longer in their physical prime. How they thought about it 30 years ago I frankly find difficult to imagine, though.
Hi, i just found your blog and i need to say i am very impress, and happy wit it.
I have group in a Catholic country, wish i no need to say been sexually different is a huge problem, I since my childhood understood that i am very different, tomboy, love play with boy and girl, i remember my first play i was about 7 year old, was with my best friend, she and i hide under the bed, and i was in her top, and using my fingers in her, i for forget this for many years, also i am strongly attract to man, if i am bisexual, well i guess i am, but i no looking for have anything with any woman, i have opportunity to do it, but i never go ahead, i guess because i never meet a woman how can make me feel save, and interested to go ahead, or maybe is because i repress it, or maybe all of them, Yes i love to see nice body, and beautiful girls, and yes when i touch myself sometime i fantasy about it, and is great, to be honest i dont know if one day is going to happen, but for now i am very happy with my relationship with my men, sometime i make kind of joke, about be with him and other woman, but obviously for men can be like a dream come true, if i tell him about my desired? No, i dont feel i need to, also he is quite homophobic, wish have been change a lot about it, even in my hard i feel he is like me, or is just i want to feel he is bisexual too? I definitely clear about my sexuality and i enjoy, also i am clear if i meat the right woman ill let myself go.
Thank you for you blog, and thank you for give me the opportunity for speak about this, wish i feel happy for, taking in consideration is the first time i can speak about it. XXX
Angela, you are a charmer. I hope the man you fall in love with is bisexual, because he will understand your feelings and you guys will be able to explore life together.
I just finished reading your blog “Bisexuality and Marriage.” As a married bisexual man who is out to his wife and whose marriage was not seriously challenged by the outing, I have tried to blog the subject in my own blog but I have to confess I have never been able to bring the subject to the level you have accomplished.
Your writing on this subject makes me feel that you must have been in the room listening to every word that was said between me and my wife when I came out to her. And even that doesn’t tell the whole story, because I was in the room and I have been unable to blog it with the clearness, the insight, the reality and the candor that you have accomplished. I’m really stunned by your insight.
One of the reasons I knew I could come out to my wife was that she is a practicing psychotherapist. She does a lot of marriage counseling. There is NOTHING she has not seen. She’s seen it all. More than any one other than a psychotherapist can know, she knows what goes on behind closed doors in America and I can assure you that dealing with a bisexual husband is not the only problem wives or husbands have to deal with. The divorce rate is well over 50% in this country and bisexuality has little to do with it.
One of the things that surprised me and that is a mild description was her sympathy for my situation. I remember at one point after days of talking it out, I caught her crying. To be honest, I thought, “Oh shit. More talk, more tears, more soul bearing on my part.”
But I asked her what was wrong and she said, “I was just thinking of all the years I’ve known you and thought I knew everything about you and in all those years you were carrying this secret and carrying a terrible burden of pain and I didn’t even know it. I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up on it.”
What do you say to that? I was speechless for a time. Finally, I said, “Well, it’s not something you should bear yourself up over. I went to great lengths NOT to let you perceive my pain or the source of it.”
In my case, in the end, she said that she saw me as the same person she had been married to happily for all these years and she was not going to allow some new revelation about me to change that.
She asked ultimately only two things. One, that I be careful and not bring anything home to her in the form of STD. That I have always been concerned with for my own health as well as hers and so it was not an issue. Two, she asked for my promise that I would NEVER discuss details with her, even if in a moment of weakness she asked or even demanded that I do so. I was glad to comply with that because I had already planned to do that anyway. No need to keep the wound open.
In the end, I told her about myself to address certain problems. What I found was that in spite of how remarkably it all went, I traded one set of problems for another. As good as she has been about it, it affected her. It destroyed a part of the self confident woman she had always been and that I had always loved. For a while I think she thought, as you suggest women might, that I was preparing her for my leaving to live a new life with a man. Only now, some six years later is that idea finally dying in her mind and some of her old confidence in herself and in our relationship returning.
On the internet, there are guys and groups and blogs who demand that a guy must come out to his wife or that he must NOT come out to his wife. In my experience my own decision and the resulting implications were plenty for me to deal with. I don’t feel at all comfortable in telling some other guy what he HAS TO DO. I’ll gladly share my thoughts and my experiences with him; but the decision has to be his. He has to be well aware that once he opens that box. It will never, ever, be closed again.
For me, opening the box was ultimately almost a non-issue. I have friends who lost everything they had when they opened that box. They lost their wife, their home, their children, their job, their friends, their church family and every thing else in life that had previously defined them.
Thanks so much for posting this piece. It is something every married bisexual male should read.
This is a reply to Jack Scott’s post, dated July 25, 2011. Jack, you say in outing yourself, your wife requested that you, “Be careful and not bring anything home to her in the form of an STD.” — WAIT — that doesn’t mean she’s leaving her personal safety entirely in your hands, does it? It doesn’t mean she’s forsaking measures to keep HERSELF safe in the hope that you will somehow “keep it clean,” right? And by the way, what the hell does that mean, anyway? Are you going to put a condom on every man you blow? Keep you mouth away from his rectum? Insist on “safe and dry” engagement at all times? I seriously doubt it. The point is, ANY woman that sleeps with a bisexual/gay man is risking her life. And no woman should ever put “safety” in the hands of a man when it comes to matters of the flesh.
OK. Let’s say she accepts her new life as a slave to plastic — the male/female condom kind. Remember, she’s coming in contact with DNA she’s never even met. I don’t care how well you wash or brush, you won’t kill it all. So if your wife is serious about protecting her life, she will use a female condom as long as she sleeps with you. POST-MENOPAUSAL AS WELL. Additionally, there’ll be no more french kissing – that’s out. No oral genital contact without a condom, and no other “high-risk” behavior in the marital bed that could compromise the strength of her blood cells. Is this the picture we have in mind when we marry?
The fact is, women run away from men like you because you present a liability on all fronts. In addressing the health safety angle, we’ve only skimmed the surface. But what really gets me is when men talk about disclosure as if it were an optional thing, as if ONLY YOU should have a say-so about what women are exposed to, when, where and how. “Do whatever’s right for you, dude. As long as you’re protecting your own interests.”
The fact is, EVERY person has a right to know what kind of relationship they’re in, so they can make an informed choice about where they want to be, or SHOULD be. Take away their ability to choose and you take away their personal power. But then again, maybe that’s the point…..
My husband recently told me after being married for 7 years with two beautiful boys that he is bisexual. He claims it started when he was a young boy with a close friend and that he has acted out on his desires infrequently. He wants to stay together, I do too. Since his revelation, our sex life is even better as I am open to being with him or his experiementing on his own as long as he is careful, safe. However, I wonder if since he was in love in his first relationship with a man, if that is what he truly will seek out again, I worry about making the sacrafices to share him (I have no desire for men or women outside of marriage) and then one day he tells me he is leaving me for someone else…. how do I approach my anxiety with him?
Hi Madeline … you’ve given your husband an important reason to want to spend the rest of his life with you: your understanding. Provided your marriage is sound in the traditional ways, and provided your husband isn’t actually gay, you have nothing to worry about as long as he remains truthful and is careful. Bisexuality is far more common than most people think and even though your husband has chosen to marry a woman, his same sex urges can be quite compelling. Maintain good communications and don’t be afraid to ask him questions about your concerns point blank. After all, you are his wife and there should be no secrets or doubts.
So, I have to say that I’ve been reading your blog for several months now, and commented a few times. I stumbled across it and got hooked. This blog has been really good for me. It’s helped me feel a bit of kinship with other men who are having the same experiences as me. It’s also given me the ability to come out to myself as bisexual. I’m not out to anyone else, but my therapist, yet. This is particularly scary with my wife, with whom my relationship is very valuable. Inspired by this and several other blogs, I’ve decided to start blogging about my own experiences. It’s really just a way for me to work out my own stuff in my own way. But, I just want to say thank you for being my inspiration. Keeping up with this blog has really helped me understand myself and be honest with myself so much better.
That you’ve decided to blogg about your experiences and that it has given you the opportunity to take ownership of what you is brilliant!
I’m in the same boat as you – married and ‘out’ only to myself. Over time I’ve learned to live with who and what I am and to a certain degree enjoy it.
There’s no way in the world that I could ever ‘come out’ to my wife and family, so the alternative for me is to effectively manage the two sides of my sexuality. Being bi-sexual for me has had it’s benefits in that it has made me a better lover with my wife which has always been sensual and erotic.
I’m convinced the secret is firstly to acknowledge to one’s self the bi-sexuality and enjoy sex with other men, and secondly learn to manage it, safely, cleanly and tell yourself it’s the greatest feeling in the world !
I do, and it works for me.
Another testimonial I read:
I kept my attractions to men (I identify as gay) a secret for 30 years of marriage and considered myself happy during those years despite predictable periods of frustration and longing. I made the same choice you have made and decided I could rely on masturbation to fantasy and a hidden collection of gay porn for sexual fulfillment. At the time, I felt I had to choose between being a husband to my best friend and a father to my kids (the most important role in my life), or being an actively gay man in a world that held very little appeal to me (to the limited extent I knew that world). I refused to let my sexual orientation dictate my place in this world.
Only after the kids were grown and on their own did I decide the time had come to experience the sex I’d been designed to experience. I felt I’d done a superior job fulfilling my role as family man and deserved an opportunity to explore a gay world that had become less intimidating to me. I knew the outcome I wanted at that point. I developed a plan to achieve that outcome. And ultimately, because I have a very loving, giving and reasonable wife, I achieved that outcome. I now have a richly rewarding family life (six grandkids) and a young male lover who has been with me for 2 1/2 years. My wife and he get along very well and we do many (non-sexual) things together, including vacations.
Living in the closet is certainly not ideal, and many guys can tell you how damaging it can be to your mental health initially and possibly your physical health down the road. It is internal homophobia that keeps us in the closet, and ultimately I found a need to be loved as the good gay husband and dad I knew I was and am. I assure you it is better to be out and loved than closeted and loved.
You speak words of wisdom, I wish I could have the courage to identify as Bi. My wife knows that I am and that I have a sexual attraction to both sexes, I’m in a situation though that would really hurt me if I came out now.
I hear you about the frustration, I see all these cute guys all the time and I don’t have the heart to approach them. I will sit back and study them, (not stalk – dear god not that), and usually their actions will dictate if they have an interest in men. It’s very subtle, but they will do certain things that will clue me in on the fact that they are really comfortable with men. I’ve only met two other men that came out with me. One of them, I’ll never forget was my boyfriend during the time that he was working in the same area, I couldn’t follow him when he got fired for identifying as gay because I am held to this company by a contract and that there could be legal issues if I left. It broke my heart to see him go, he had the most wonderful personality, both of us loved to do the same things, slight variations here and there, but in all it was amazing. He was the most attractive man that I have ever laid eyes on and he was mine. It seriously broke my heart when he left and I have tried to keep in touch with him, but long distance is not doing us good. I met this other guy, Cameron who I flirted around with months after I was forced to break up with Brandon. He came out with me and I felt comfortable discussing my identity with him. We were great friends for the longest time and would cuddle and kiss. We never really went beyond that and I found out later on that he was bi-polar, he started having an attraction with another man and before I knew it, I am at where I am at, at the moment. My wife is fine with me having a boyfriend as she has a girlfriend herself.
There are certain things that my wife and I hold dearly now that we are married and we wont do with our other partners. But all in all, I miss having Brandon hold me. I have dreams of being free of my job and feeling a warm autumn breeze pass between us out on a farm, looking up at his wonderful green eyes, with a strong, but pleasant musk. Just holding him, never wanting to let him go and then the dream is over again and I wake to harsh reality.
How do you guys deal with something like that? One thing that has come out of it, I am still attracted to my wife, but have a strong want to be with the same sex. No I am not going to leave her, or do things without her knowledge because trust and love fall in as top priority in the relationship. But I feel myself slipping into this void, not knowing where to go or what to do. I feel days slipping by and I still am separated from both of them. It drives me crazy.
From another wife. Obviously the risk of HIV is a major downside.
Five years ago my husband Richard rocked my seemingly perfect world. In a moment he confessed that he was unfaithful, bisexual and HIV positive. I cried and I could only think this was a nightmare and I would soon awake. My architect, marathon-running husband had BETRAYED me. We had everything to live for. I loved my husband and our three daughters and could not imagine my life without him. I know Richard loves me and he even wrote a book titled, Jodi, The Greatest Love Story Ever Told, and honored me by placing my photo on the cover. Every time I see myself on the cover I realize I have something that few women have; a love story in which a husband professes and chronicles his eternal love to his wife. Richard and I discussed whether our story should be told and we, our girls included, decided that there was a potential to save many lives by going public. Richard and I had always run marathons and Richard ran his fastest marathon as an HIV positive man. We believe that HIV+ people could live healthy, productive lives if they could just get the AIDS medicine, lead a healthy lifestyle, and be surrounded by a loving family. Any shame or humiliation brought upon my family by our going public would be a small price to pay if our story could help AIDS sufferers and their families. 3,000,000 people are dying from AIDS each year. Millions of orphaned children are growing up without the love and affection of their parents. This is undeniably wrong.
Richard’s and my commitment for our story to reach as many people as possible led us to arrange a two-month, 14,000-mile book tour. Richard never complained the cross-country trip was too grueling. He was so excited to share experiences of how well his story was being received. Back home I had to deal with relatives, both his and mine, who blamed me for allowing Richard to write such a book. SCARRED, scarred for life, our daughters would be; the relatives concurred. These were troubling times for me and I wished that Richard was home with me. We had never been apart before. The only good moments I could really enjoy were during my visits with Richard in San Diego and Atlanta. Finally Richard arrived home and the girls and I were thrilled to have our family together. The very next day Richard had a seizure and shortly after was diagnosed with brain cancer. His doctors gave him 2 to 4 years to live; we sobbed bitterly. We were determined to live each moment to the fullest, not just smell the roses, inhale them. Our rose garden is now in full bloom as we celebrate our daughter Peri’s graduating from high school and being voted, Most Likely to Succeed.
Richard and I had been running marathons even before he was diagnosed HIV positive. Richard and his brain oncologist decided he could continue running marathons even though he had brain cancer. Our daughter Hillary, and I, and his oncologist will be joining Richard for the 2003 New York City Marathon. For me it’s my eleventh marathon, but for Hillary it’s her first. She wants to give her Dad all the support she can. As I see it, Richard’s and my path through life may not be a stroll through a rose garden, but I wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the world. Richard and I look forward to growing old together. Please pray for Richard and my family.
I recently found this post on another website:
Recently I found out that my husband is bisexual and has acted bisexually [as in mutual masturbation oral sex and watching other men have sex] for quite a while. I only found out that he is bisexual when he found out he has HIV. I don’t know what to do now. I think I still love him but I’m so angry I can’t stand it. We have been married for 10 years and have a beautiful baby girl and were planning on getting pregnant this year with our next child.
I’ve been reading about treatment and it seems like he may be able to keep from getting sick for a long time but I don’t know if I want to deal with this. He has said he is sorry but that’s it he is going on his way living his life like he always has but he says he is no longer acting bisexually. I am hurting so bad! I would think that if you did something this bad to your wife you would be trying to make sure she knows you really love her. Not my husband! He screws around, dis’s me, and he can’t even be bothered to remind me that he loves me, spend any extra time with me, or do any extras for me that might make me feel better or make me want to keep him. Why can’t he see that I need a lot of TLC now???
My big question tho is to other men who are married and bisexual. Could you keep your marriage together, be happy with your wife and NEVER ACT AS A BISEXUAL AGAIN? Is it possible?
I’m doing it now and contemplating coming out to my wife. We have known each other for a long time 10+ years. Since we have been married i haven’t messed around with another guy. It’s tough cause I crave the feeling of another man inside me. I don’t know what to do? I want to start this new year off right. I feel like i can trust her not to freak out too bad. See, I think it’s kinda obvious anyway.